Tag Archives: marriage

5 Love Languages | Book Review

5lovelanguages

Today I’d like to share my thoughts on a book I just got done reading, ” The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Dr. Gary Chapman.

This is actually a pretty popular book and I’d seen and heard a lot about it and it’s been on my reading queue for a while now… It’s the first book I’ve read this year so I am really excited to share with you guys, my thoughts and review on the book overall.

So first I wanted to say that I was reading this book on my phone on the kindle (not sponsored) and I was reading it on my way to work and on my way back home on the train. My whole journey from home to work is about 35 minutes, so back and forth it’s about an hour. I started reading this book on a Monday and I was done by Thursday. So it was a pretty quick read, really straight forward, and it’s really enjoyable, so I really appreciated that about the book.

The premise of the book is that each one of us has a primary love language. And a love language is basically how we express or receive love.

There are 5 main love languages and these are Words of Affirmation, Acts Of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. The author says that, when we enter into a relationship, there’s a window where we’re really driven by our emotions and our hormones and we’re really on a LOVE HIGH. During this time which on average is usually 2 years, we really can’t see the flaws of the other person, we just love them “unconditionally”, we can’t see no wrong in anything that they do and that’s why they say LOVE IS BLIND but after the end of this time, we’re brought down to reality.

After this time if you want to sustain your relationship, LOVE becomes a CHOICE. The two people in the relationship have to CHOSE to love each other UNCONDITIONALLY, they have to go out of their way to communicate and show each other that they love each other unconditionally.

What usually happens is, most people get married during the love high. Once the love high period ends, if the couple does not chose to unconditionally love each other, the relationship may end.

Each and everyone of us has a Love Language, for you to show your significant other that you love them, you have to express love, in their Love Language and for your significant other to feel loved, they have to receive love in their Love Language.

Most people don’t usually know each other’s Love Language, resulting in miscommunication and because of this, each person in the relationship ends up feeling unloved. All of us have an emotional love tank, and when people give us love based on our love language, then our emotional love tank becomes full, and then we’re able to express and receive love more easily.

If we do not receive love based on our Love Language, our emotional love tank gets depleted. Once its depleted we start feeling angry, resentful and hateful. During this time, you become very vulnerable and if another person comes along and you end up falling in love with them/ you end up experiencing the love high/ they speak your love language, then your current relationship may be in danger, because at this point you’re vulnerable and most likely to find love elsewhere because, you’re emotional love tank is depleted and you’re “starved” for love in a sense.

The Love Languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

5ll_icon-affirmation

for this person it is really important that you tell them that you love them, tell them the reason why you love them, constantly encourage them, speak life to them, tell them positive words, express your feelings and tell them why you’re grateful for them. For this person doing these things would fill up their emotional love tank. On the opposite of this, being negative, being sarcastic, being judgmental, being dismissive, being critical would deplete their emotional love tank and make them feel really unloved by you.

2. Acts of Service

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For this person they want you to do something for them to feel loved. It could be cooking for them, washing dishes, laundry, it could be doing chores around the house or outside the home, it could be running errands. Whatever it may be, the fact that you took time to do something for them communicates to them that you love them. The opposite of that would be being too busy or just doing other things and not really taking the time to help them…maybe you’re always on the computer or watching TV or always busy but never really help them with anything. That would make them feel unloved and eventually, deplete their love tank.

3. Receiving Gifts:

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This doesn’t necessarily mean that this person is materialistic, but what it means is that for them to feel loved they need something meaningful and tangible. For this person, special occasions, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, relationship anniversaries, dating anniversaries, or giving them a gift for any reason is really important to them. It shows them that you went out of your way and you thought about them and you put in the effort, the time and money to get them something. It doesn’t necessarily have to be expensive but it has to have meaning to them. So constantly listening to what they want, like if they say… “I would really love to have this thing, or to go this place…” surprising them with what they hoped and wished for would really mean a lot to this person and would make them feel loved. The opposite of that would be forgetting their birthday, missing special occasions like valentine’s day, missing Christmas would really communicate to them that you don’t love them. Also going really long periods of time without giving them anything. That would communicate to them that you don’t really care and would deplete their emotional love tank.

4. Quality Time:

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For this person giving them your undivided attention is really important to them. When you’re with them don’t be on the phone simultaneously, don’t be surfing the net simultaneously, don’t be on social media or don’t be watching TV but give them your undivided attention. Take some time out of your time to really spend time with them, really listen to what they’re communicating to you and really give them yourself, that’s how they feel loved. For this person not responding to their text messages, not calling them on a regular basis, not spending time with them on a regular basis would really communicate to them that you really don’t care about them and will deplete their emotional love tank.

5.Physical Touch:

5ll_icon-touch

to this person constantly touching them, holding them, hugging them, kissing them, holding hands, caressing them, touching them in a loving way really communicates to them that you care for them and you love them, if you go long periods of time without being physical with them, they would feel really neglected and abandoned.

These love languages can be applied to all sorts of relationships and are not only reserved to love relationships but can also apply to children, friends, co workers and all sorts of relationships.

Overall I thought it was really helpful and I could really see how this could help make a relationship stronger. The thing with these Love Languages, is both people in the relationship have to commit and be on the same page that, you’ll both go out of your way to show each other that you care by speaking each other’s Love Language.

It’s not a way to manipulate someone into loving you, each person has to make that choice…”because I love this person, I will speak their love language and that’s how I show them that I care and I love them”. This is not a way to blackmail people and tell them, if you loved me, you’d do this and that for me…that wouldn’t work either.

My only concern with this premise and it’s something that wasn’t addressed in the book so I’m not really familiar with how this would play out in a real life situation. The author did not talk about abusive relationships, toxic relationships and people who are in relationships with people with mental illnesses for instance Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Psychopathic Personality Disorder.

These type of people lack a conscious and empathy, they can not put themselves in other people’s shoes, they are manipulative and use people as tools for their own agendas. They are incapable of loving others unconditionally in that sense… so I’m not sure quite sure how this would work in such a situation.

If you are in an unhealthy relationship I would not recommend just applying these blindly into your relationship but I would advise you to seek counseling and help to get through your toxic relationship.

In the book the author does talk about a woman, as he describes her relationship, in my opinion, it felt like an abusive relationship and according to the author it did work out for the wife and her husband. I do not know the specific details of their relationship but the Author used the bible verse, Luke 6:27-38 to support his advice to the woman

Luke 6:27-38

27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. 29 To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic[a] either. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. 31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

32 “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

37 “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; 38 give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

Basically what I get from these verses is that we are to love unconditionally, if you chose to love unconditionally you just love but you can’t really force the other person to love you back. How the other person responds is ultimately their choice.

Honestly, I really do not condone just staying in toxic and unhealthy relationships…I really think that if you are in that situation you should proceed with a professional, especially one who has experience dealing with such relationships. This would be to get you the help you need, for your own well being.

If you’re interested in finding out your own Love Language, one way mentioned in the book is to pay attention how you express love to others because that is most likely how you want to receive love or you can simply take a quiz at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Stay Blessed,

XOXO

Dee

 

 

 

 



Jay Alvarrez, Alexis Ren…and Relationship Goals?

alexisandjay

image @jayalvarrez

Unless you’ve been living under a rock lately, like I have :) …you probably know who Jay Alvarrez and Alexis Ren are…if you don’t, let me fill you in real quick…

Jay Alvarrez (20 yrs) and Alexis Ren (19 yrs) are an instagram couple who are both models and who currently have up to 10 million followers combined on their individual and couple instagram accounts. Their popularity is due to the couple sharing VERY intimate images of their relationship and lifestyle on instagram…young people around the world look up to them as an example of what a “great” relationship/ “LOVE” should look like aka “Relationship Goals”…

Cosmopolitan online did an interview with them back in June. I wanted to share a little snippet of the interview, because it has been stuck on my mind for the past few days…I bolded the parts that inspired me to write this post….

On whether or not they’ll get married…

Jay: Honestly, our, our goals are financial right now. We’re trying to buy a house in Hawaii, and I want to get a house on the beach.

Alexis: That’s taking the next step for us, is having a home with each other.

Jay: We’re very different in that way. At this point in my life, “I don’t believe in marriage.” Maybe I will in the future, but “I think marriage comes from a lot of insecurity. You worry about that person being with anyone but you and you need to lock them down.”

Alexis: We’re in this new generation where “we don’t need a piece of paper to represent how much we love each other.”

Jay: Yeah. “This is the new revolution. Marriage is making less and less sense now than ever. If love can outshine a marriage,” then our next step is just doing bigger and better things together, and learning more about each other and our strengths together.

In the article it was mentioned that Jay (20yrs) and Alvarez (19yrs) both lost their mothers and their fathers are not actively present in their lives because they are “Doing their own thing….”

A few days ago cosmopolitan posted an article stating the couple may have broken up recently…

DISCLAIMER:

Before I share my thoughts on this whole thing, I just want to say that I am not judging them or anyone else for this matter who shares their views…

I was once their age, believed some of the same things and made some mistakes…

I’m sharing my thoughts in hopes this will bless someone else because I wish I knew some of these things when I was younger.

I am a Christian and therefore my views support God’s PURPOSE for Marriage and Sex….so here we go :)

Just like many young girls, growing up the only standard and examples of what a relationship, dating and marriage looked like were from the media…music videos, movies, Television Shows, magazines, Novels e.t.c.

I had such a warped view of what one should look for in a lifelong marriage partner or what should and shouldn’t be acceptable in a relationship. What TRUE LOVE is, The real purpose of Marriage and Sex…e.t.c

As young girls most of us were told Sex outside of marriage is wrong…because of the consequences…unwanted pregnancies, STD’s, AIDS, labels, reputation etc

Speaking for myself the biblical reasons were never explained other than GOD hates fornication and you will go to hell…

Times have changed quite a bit since I was a teenager/young adult, today Sex has become pervasive…it’s hard to listen to music, watch TV, browse the internet or walk down the street without seeing images that glorify LUST, that glorify relationships filled with drama, that glorify men having multiple partners, that glorify cheating, that glorify side chicks, that glorify women “advertising their body assets.”, that glorify dead end relationships that lead to nowhere…all in the name of YOLO…life’s too short and You Only Live Once…

Most people especially young people don’t have the guidance or positive influence to guide them the right way so they just feed on the garbage that’s been shoved down their throats until it leads to serious consequences in their lives…

it has become normalized within our society to the point where people don’t think that pure wholesome Godly relationships/marriages actually exist and so they settle for the garbage… it’s as if the World’s way IS the only way…

1 Corinthians 6 : 19 – 20 (NIV)

19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Marriage (Holy Matrimony) is a Sacred Institution and the MOST IMPORTANT institution created by God, it symbolizes Christ’s love for the Church and the church’s submission to the Lord. It is a Covenant/Vow and a commitment between a man and woman before God.

Ephesians 5 : 25 – 31 (NIV)

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

If a man doesn’t love, respect, honor and fear GOD..if he doesn’t have the love of God within him and doesn’t love himself he has no ability to love a woman/a wife, for he doesn’t even love himself …he abuses himself/his own body through sin of the flesh such as alcohol, drugs, sex, and idolatry etc.

If a man doesn’t even understand God’s Blueprint for Love & Marriage…. “Christ’s love for the church and how Christ gave himself up for the church to make her holy…” How can he SACRIFICE, make that type of commitment and demonstrate that type of love to a woman/ a wife?

For this reason, the devil today is fiercely attacking God’s most sacred institution i.e Marriage and feeding us LIES as to what marriage really means…and giving us his version of Sex and marriage, making a MOCKERY out of God’s Sacred Institution.

As women our role is to have discernment… are we willing to trust a blind man to lead us? Submitting and entrusting our life/heart, body and future children/generations to a man who is not led by God?

Psalm 127:1

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.

How can you be at peace knowing that a blind man is leading you… amidst the warfare and attacks made by Satan and his fallen angels?

Matthew 15 : 14

14 Leave them; they are blind guides. If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.”

Satan knows the role of men and their significance to the family and generations to come, because marriage is an important assignment from God. This is why men are viciously attacked.

Satan also knows the value and role a virtuous woman can play as this man’s rib in his life and that is why the attack on a woman’s destiny, self-esteem, fruits and gifts is so great.

Genesis 2 : 19 – 24

19 Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky.He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
    for she was taken out of man.”

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

The Hebrew word for woman is ISHSHAH which means: woman, WIFE, female

Therefore, a Woman was created by God to be a man’s wife and not to be his “partner”, one night stand, eternal girlfriend, side chick, other woman or girlfriend for a season…

Song of Songs 8 : 4 (NIV)

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
    Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires.

If a man does not pursue God in his life and is not following God’s plan for his life he shouldn’t be pursuing a woman…

If a man decides to go out of God’s plan and decides to follow the worldly rules for dating he shall not expect sex from a woman….if he does…he is a THIEF…

He is STEALING from a woman that which is the most precious to her, that which God has set aside for her husband. And that should only be shared with her husband, the man she was created and adapted uniquely for by God.

When a man pursues a woman for the sole purpose of sex, it shows that he is solely satisfying his sexual needs and lustful desires and not honoring God and his daughters.

If he does receive sex he shall also be ready to bear the consequences and responsibilities that come with the “shame” and sinful nature of sex outside Marriage.

Hebrews 13 : 4

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

 

Sex was created by God to be enjoyed WITHIN a marriage put together by God to further his kingdom and bearing fruit of children.

Genesis 9: 7

7 “As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it.”

 

If a man does not want marriage or a family he shall not engage in sex for he is going against God’s wishes and desires for MAN. God saw that it was not suitable for man to be alone in this world and therefore he should have a partner, a helpmeet made suitable for him…note: A helpmeet..meaning ONE woman not multiple helpmeets…many women!!!

Genesis 2 :18 (NIV)

18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

But due to the sinful nature of  man, life is tough for man… for God cursed the soil…

Genesis 3 : 17 (NIV)

17 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’

“Cursed is the ground because of you;
    through painful toil you will eat food from it
    all the days of your life.

And Satan understands this, and so he tempts men with Money, Power, Sex and the things of this world that are fleeting…

Proverbs 23 : 4 – 5

Do not wear yourself out to get rich;
    do not trust your own cleverness.
Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone,
    for they will surely sprout wings
    and fly off to the sky like an eagle

A real man understands that he can NOT toil the ground alone…he needs to submit himself before God for strength and wisdom.

Proverbs 2 : 6 – 8 (NIV)

For the Lord gives wisdom;
    from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
He holds success in store for the upright,
    he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for he guards the course of the just
    and protects the way of his faithful ones.

If a man is not committed and submitted to GOD, his own creator?!?! how can he commit to a woman/ a wife and the family?

“The greatest measure of a man’s character is the relationship he has with God his creator.”

-unknown

In today’s world everyone is trying to be the masters of their own lives, instead of surrendering to GOD….

…and because of this Satan is having a field day…

When men and women do not practice purity, self-control, obedience, respect and submission to God, to his words, to his commandments and do not honor their bodies, given and created by God, temples of the Holy Spirit…it becomes very hard for them to honor, love and respect each other in relationships and marriage. And if God did not bless the relationship he can not bless the Union/Marriage…

2 Timothy 2 : 22

22 Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

no wonder families are broken, divorces are at an all time high and then we go around saying SEE this is why Love doesn’t exist, marriages don’t work…we end up treating the disease, with what caused it in the first place…instead of looking at the real reasons…the lack of proper Godly examples and guidance in most people’s lives.

 2 Corinthians 4 : 4

The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

Happy Sunday & Be Blessed

XOXO Dee